Losing It All
by GoDownWithThisShip
Summary: Sirius hears of James and Lily's death and rushes to their house to see the damage for himself. I feel that Sirius had feelings for James but never had the nerve to say anything. I know Hagrid is supposed to take Harry to Privet Drive, but hey, what if?


Sirius squinted into the night. The headlight of his roaring motorcycle only provided him with a few feet of perception. Crashing into a building was not a concern for him right now. The only thing on his mind was James. He didn't know what he was going to do after he landed on the Potter's front lawn. He didn't know how he would react to seeing his friend sprawled lifeless on the floor of his own home. He shuddered. It had nothing to do with the chilly night wind that whipped past his face.

Only half an hour earlier he had been asleep. It was a miracle, he had no luck sleeping these days. Remus's face had sparked into view in the fireplace opposite his bed and had begun yelling at him. He shot up and crawled across the burgundy carpet to the hearth.

"What is it Mooney?" He whispered urgently.

"It's James and Lily," Remus was frantic now, "Their location was compromised. She's dead, Sirius. I can't-" His voice cracked and he dissolved into tears.

Sirius froze. "And James?" he asked cautiously.

Remus made a gesture to indicate yes and Sirius leapt up. "This isn't a joke Remus. You don't fucking joke about this shit!" he roared.

Remus stared up at him with a shocked expression on his face, "WHY WOULD I JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?" he countered. His face disappeared and the room fell into a sickening silence.

Sirius rushed from the room pulling on random articles of clothing on as he went. When he left the door of his apartment he had managed to get on a pair of jeans, tennis shoes, a worn cotton shirt, and a thick wool coat. He rummaged in his pockets for his keys and leapt down the stairs.

That seemed like hours ago now. The clouds were drifting lazily past him and he wished his bike would go faster. At the same time he dreaded what he would find in Gordric's Hallow. He was transported back to his youth. James was sitting in the side car laughing his melodic laugh. They were both a little…intoxicated to say the least. London was flying past on either side of them.

"Oi, Padfoot, does she go any faster?" James asked grinning.

Sirius pushed an innocent looking button next to the speedometer and the motorcycle emitted a loud bang and shot forward. Both young men were whooping and laughing. As they slowed they heard sirens roaring from behind them.

"Shit," Sirius shot a glance over his shoulder. Three police cars were on their tail.

"Who the bloody hell are they?" James slurred.

"That, would be the police." Sirius took a sharp turn down a nearby alleyway.

"Police?" James's speech was becoming less understandable by the second.

"Muggle law enforcement," Sirius answered quickly.

"Oh. Jolly good," James said cheerfully before passing out.

Sirius pulled the throttle and the bike lifted off the ground and sailed into the air. He smiled, this was more of a rush than evading the nosy prefects at school. He turned to look at James dozing in the side car. He felt a pang of affection. He leaned over and brushed a stray lock of wild hair from James's face. Nothing mattered to him in that moment because he was alone soaring over London with the person he loved. In that moment, he didn't care that his feelings would never be reciprocated.

Now here he was touching down on the front lawn of the Potters' house. His breath caught in his throat. The door stood ajar and was hanging dangerously from one of it's hinges. Clearly a forced entry. He couldn't bring himself to go inside, but his feet had taken a mind of their own and moved quietly across the lush grass. He pulled his wand out of his pocket and muttered "Lumos" under his breath. He climbed the stairs and the sight of James lying spread eagle on the ground assaulted his senses. He fell to his knees beside the corpse of his best friend and flung himself over it as if to protect it from the evil that had already smothered the life from it. He felt responsible. He felt that he could have done something. WHY had James decided to intrust Wormtail with his secret?

Tears slid softly down his cheeks and landed on James's face. Sirius wiped his tears tenderly from his friend's face with his thumbs. "I'm sorry," he whispered thickly and began to sob.

He didn't notice the older wizard with the long white beard and dark purple robes standing at the foot of the stairs watching him. Absolutely nothing mattered to him at this moment. It was like that night all those years ago. Instead of soaring over London without a care in the world, he was cradling his best friend's head against his chest feeling as if he had lost it all.

"I love you James," he whispered softly into his friend's deaf ear. "I love you and I always have. I was a damn fool for waiting until now to say it-" he couldn't speak anymore. He had said it all.

"He knows now. That is all that matters," the older wizard finally made his presence known.

Sirius sat up and pulled his wand from his pocket defensively but lowered it at the sight of his old friend. "Dumbledore!" he got to his feet.

The old wizard put up a hand to silence him, "You must move quickly, Harry, his son, James's son is upstairs. You must take him to his aunt and uncles. Do you understand me?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, "I am the boy's god father. I'll be the one to take care of him."

Dumbledore sighed, "I know you feel strongly about this but trust me Sirius. This doesn't look very good for you right now."

Sirius ran a hand through his messy dark hair and slumped against the wall. Dumbledore was right. He had been the supposed secret keeper for the Potters. He was going to KILL Pettigrew for this!

Dumbledore must have sensed Sirius's hostility because he added rather sternly, "Let the Order handle Pettigrew. Just make sure the boy gets to his aunt and uncle's safely. I will meet you there, let me just have a look around first."

Sirius nodded and headed up the stairs to retrieve the boy. He followed the hallway glancing into the empty rooms as he went. Now he had the sudden urge to turn and bolt from the skeletal house. He wanted to forget that his best friend was dead. Perhaps he would wake up tomorrow in his cramped apartment and realize that eating his own cooking before bed was not such a smart idea.

The last door on the right was blown entirely off its hinges. Poor Lily Potter was laying sprawled across the floor in a similar manner as James. Sirius had sometimes felt somewhat jealous toward Lily. Now he felt only emptiness as he stared at her unsparkling eyes. How could he hate the one person (besides himself as he liked to think) that made James happy. He turned and saw the infant sitting up in his crib staring at Sirius with wide emerald eyes. Sirius was not a fan of children, especially infants, but his heart melted as he saw what a striking resemblance the child had to James. He bent over the bars of the crib and picked the child up and wrapped it in a blanket. As he did a gold chain slipped from under his shirt. The child gurgled and reached out for the chain. Sirius smiled and shifted the child into the crook of his right arm and pulled the chain off with his free hand. He slipped the chain over the babies head and tucked it into the blanket. The child smiled and Sirius held it close to his chest.

"Harry, we've never met, but I promise I'm going to take care of you. Okay?" He looked down. The child was looking up at him thoughtfully and he smiled. "No matter what happens," he continued, "I promise. I swear to you. I will take care of you."

He turned and left the room. He almost sprinted down the hallway. Thankfully Dumbledore had moved James's body. Sirius burst from the front door of the Potter's house, hopped on his bike, secured the bundle containing Harry in the side car, took one last look at his dearest friend's house and took off into the night sky


End file.
